In Idleness I Only Find the Misery of Missing Her

I would like to start out by giving my apologies. I can't seem to keep things straight lately. I can't think right or process information correctly. Nor do I seem able to retain information or access it in my head. I am kinda numb, when I am not sad. I work myself up to 20 hours a day, working out, taking care of my family, processing videos. . until I fall asleep at my desk exhausted most nights. And when I stop and I pause, when I am alone, all I find is the absolute misery of missing my mother. Everything seems harder to do right now. It has gotten better. . I swear it has. . but I still miss her so deeply and really don't know how to deal with all these feelings. . I have not returned to my martial arts training since we found out her cancer was back. . I read but don't retain what I read. . it is like the depths of me are sealed off in sadness. . . I fell little passion for anything right now. . besides my family. . . and I want things to be better. . to feel better. . and I keep pushing myself to go through the motions. . but I am more like an robot, just doing the things I am supposed to do. . I am not sure how to make things better anymore. . and some days I wonder why I even try. . .so if I haven't answered your e-mail. . or I haven't filmed your video correctly. . or if whatever you wanted me to do seems to have fallen short of the mark. . I apologize. .. I am doing my best. . . .
I miss her. So much. She was so proud of me. I wouldn't want to let her down, or anyone of you.
Sybil