Search This Blog

Thursday, January 29, 2009

In Idleness I Only Find the Misery of Missing Her

I would like to start out by giving my apologies. I can't seem to keep things straight lately. I can't think right or process information correctly. Nor do I seem able to retain information or access it in my head. I am kinda numb, when I am not sad. I work myself up to 20 hours a day, working out, taking care of my family, processing videos. . until I fall asleep at my desk exhausted most nights. And when I stop and I pause, when I am alone, all I find is the absolute misery of missing my mother. Everything seems harder to do right now. It has gotten better. . I swear it has. . but I still miss her so deeply and really don't know how to deal with all these feelings. . I have not returned to my martial arts training since we found out her cancer was back. . I read but don't retain what I read. . it is like the depths of me are sealed off in sadness. . . I fell little passion for anything right now. . besides my family. . . and I want things to be better. . to feel better. . and I keep pushing myself to go through the motions. . but I am more like an robot, just doing the things I am supposed to do. . I am not sure how to make things better anymore. . and some days I wonder why I even try. . .so if I haven't answered your e-mail. . or I haven't filmed your video correctly. . or if whatever you wanted me to do seems to have fallen short of the mark. . I apologize. .. I am doing my best. . . .
I miss her. So much. She was so proud of me. I wouldn't want to let her down, or anyone of you.


C.Mahan said...

*hugs* I wish I had some words, but when I faced all the deaths I had the last 3 years I went through the same thing. It does pass in time.

Raivo Parras said...

I can imagine what you are going through..May the greater force within comfort you, let it bring the serenity inside. I believe that the people we're in relationship in some way never go away permanently. Someday you will see her again.
She'll be around.Even you don't see her now. Just think of her, and she will feel your thoughts.
That's what i feel me corny if you wish.